My recent thoughts of identifying my real friends (aside from my awesome family members and great husband), came from the brutally honest question my three year old daughter asked me a couple weeks ago. She listed off her friends, then listed off dad’s friends, and curiously asked, “Mom, where are your friends?” Toddlers are great for stabbing you in the heart by innocently dropping truth bombs. I was also impressed by her ability to be observant and questioning, so at least there was a positive feeling among there. She’s right, I don’t have friends who I talk to on the phone, or who come over to the house. I have acquaintances. I have people I love chatting with at work, people I text periodically, a great friend I see every few years out of state, people I comment to on Facebook and get frequent comments from, people who I genuinely love seeing pictures of their families and keeping up through those Facebook comments, and friends who I catch up with a couple times a year. But I don’t have the village, or even the one person who I call when I’m down, or when I have a gross pregnancy question. My husband and I don't go on dates because we don't have friends who could take our daughter, or swap babysitting with. This blog isn’t therapy, so I’ll refrain from spilling the details on why, other than the basic fact that I’m an introvert by nature, and then life circumstances piled on top of that. So part of it is by choice, and I understand and accept that. This is not a pity party, just honesty.
If raising kids takes a village, what happens when you just don’t have it? It’s lonely being a mom without a village, and maybe even more lonely (and scary) being an allergy mom without a village. For instance, I’m due with baby #2 in 6 weeks, and the thought of what to do with our daughter when I go in to labor is stressful and scary. Not only thinking about how do we find someone who could take her at 2am if necessary, but more importantly, how do we find someone who could take her at any time, know what foods she can and can’t have, and do the basic task of keeping her safe, fed, and out of the hospital at the same time I’m in there?
My husband’s parents are about two hours away, while my parents and brother and sister-in-law are 3.5 hours away. They are all awesome support, and if we needed them at 2am, they’d be there… in two to four hours. Not helpful in an emergency situation. Thankfully, we have an amazing daycare provider and her wife, who love our daughter dearly and have become our friends. But I’ve hesitated asking them to be our emergency plan in this situation because I don’t want to be a burden. We don’t necessarily hang out a lot, or chat on the phone like best friends. I did finally ask, and the response was an overwhelming ‘yes of course!’ I offered to bring a bag of food over soon, things like cans of beans, or dried pasta, apple sauce, and frozen chicken nuggets, so that they could keep it on hand. (We supply food daily for daycare). Her response was, “I always have a supply of safe food for her already”, and listed at least 7 things she has on hand. Let me tell you, I cried a little. Some people feel cared about when their friend takes them out for a night on the town, and some people feel cared about when their friends bring them ice cream and wine at home; but allergy parents feel overwhelmingly appreciative and cared about when their friends or family have a stock of food for their child. It’s something that most parents wouldn’t understand, but it’s so huge. So maybe my village is at least a little bigger than I thought, and these are the things that bring that out.
So if you have a friend or family member who you can trust with your child’s life, who would be prepared to take care of your child at any time; show them you appreciate them. Tell them thank you, give them a hug. If you have a friend who has an allergy child, ask them about what foods their child can and can’t have, keep some food on hand, and show them that you care about them by caring about their child’s wellbeing. These things fill the hearts of allergy parents, because just like all parents, our kids truly are the very core of our heart.