I've been writing apologies in my brain for just over a year now. To be real, it's felt like a year of drowning and trying to keep afloat. To summarize, our past year has gone like this: Acorn had two vomit-to-shock reactions from dairy and soy and was diagnosed with FPIES, months of battling our insurance company to get prescription formula covered, months of feeding therapy, our rental house was destroyed by the tenants to the tune of about $10,000, we've paid two mortgages for 9 months, our beloved dog died, I had an ectopic pregnancy and a month of painful procedures, my husband's uncle died, Acorn was hospitalized again with another reaction, my dad has had scary major medical issues, and Acorn is currently covered in unexplained hives. And of course, spending every waking minute planning/worrying/thinking about food for Acorn. I've wondered many times why we've had one thing after another, and when it's going to end. I've cried. A lot.
It's been easy to get into a mind frame that these things have defined the year. But really, there has been so much more. Acorn went from being a baby to being a toddler. She's learned a million words (approximately), she hugs, she kisses, she tells us what she wants and doesn't want. And, SHE EATS! Less than a year ago I cried tears of joy in feeding therapy when she put one bite of egg in her mouth, and now I have to explain to her that she can't eat a whole bag of Fritos. Less than a year ago I worried she'd only have formula for a safe food, and now she has 13 safe foods. There aren't many things in life that compare to watching your child develop and learn and display true love and joy. We are truly blessed to get a front row seat in watching this journey, reaping the benefits, and having a ridiculously amazing family to go through it with us.
In this mix of drowning and joy, I've fallen behind on a lot of things. This is where I get back to my growing list of apologies: "Dear Amazing Office Staff, I'm sorry you have to pick up the pieces when I run out the door with a client waiting for me (and a million other times)." "Dear Clients, I'm sorry I've cancelled so many sessions (You're strong and amazing and keep kicking without therapy)." "Dear Insurance Guy, I'm sorry I haven't returned your email." "Dear Edward Jones Guy, I'm sorry I haven't just signed the dang form and mailed it back (despite your several calls to remind me)." "Dear Hospitals/Ambulance Company/Doctors, I'm sorry I haven't sent in those payments yet (I promise I'll pay you)." "Dear Boss, I'm sorry I'm behind on paperwork (I really needed that mid day nap)." "Dear Husband, I'm sorry I haven't done a million things (and I'm grumpy. I love you)." "Dear Family, I'm sorry we don't visit enough (I think of you all and send love every day)." "Dear Neighbors, I'm sorry our yard looks awful (let's blame the dogs)." "Dear Niece, I'm sorry I haven't put this gift in the mail that's been sitting here for two months."
But there has to be a different word than 'sorry'. Because, am I really sorry? Saying you're sorry means that you know it effected someone negatively, and you'll work hard to do it differently next time. But I won't do it differently next time. I will always leave my office in 5 seconds flat when my daughter needs to go to the hospital. I will always take her to the doctor when her body is covered in hives. I will always miss half a day of work each week when she needs ongoing feeding therapy. I will always stay home and take care of myself after having surgery and painful procedures (in fact, looking back, I should have given myself more time to heal physically and emotionally). When I have 30 minutes an evening with my daughter, I will always spend it with her rather than catching up on paperwork or paying bills. When I have a chance to finally go to bed early, I will take it. And I will take the consequences of these choices, including some judgement.
So what I mean is, dear world, I understand that sometimes my stuff overflows in to your stuff. I understand that it sucks sometimes. I will do my best to make it up to you, someday. I am thankful for your patience. And please, be gentle with me, I'm doing the best I can.
We all are.
(Edited to add: Our story is no different than yours, or your neighbor's. Take out a detail, a struggle, and add yours in. We're all just trying to keep afloat. Remember this when judging yourself or others.)
It's been easy to get into a mind frame that these things have defined the year. But really, there has been so much more. Acorn went from being a baby to being a toddler. She's learned a million words (approximately), she hugs, she kisses, she tells us what she wants and doesn't want. And, SHE EATS! Less than a year ago I cried tears of joy in feeding therapy when she put one bite of egg in her mouth, and now I have to explain to her that she can't eat a whole bag of Fritos. Less than a year ago I worried she'd only have formula for a safe food, and now she has 13 safe foods. There aren't many things in life that compare to watching your child develop and learn and display true love and joy. We are truly blessed to get a front row seat in watching this journey, reaping the benefits, and having a ridiculously amazing family to go through it with us.
In this mix of drowning and joy, I've fallen behind on a lot of things. This is where I get back to my growing list of apologies: "Dear Amazing Office Staff, I'm sorry you have to pick up the pieces when I run out the door with a client waiting for me (and a million other times)." "Dear Clients, I'm sorry I've cancelled so many sessions (You're strong and amazing and keep kicking without therapy)." "Dear Insurance Guy, I'm sorry I haven't returned your email." "Dear Edward Jones Guy, I'm sorry I haven't just signed the dang form and mailed it back (despite your several calls to remind me)." "Dear Hospitals/Ambulance Company/Doctors, I'm sorry I haven't sent in those payments yet (I promise I'll pay you)." "Dear Boss, I'm sorry I'm behind on paperwork (I really needed that mid day nap)." "Dear Husband, I'm sorry I haven't done a million things (and I'm grumpy. I love you)." "Dear Family, I'm sorry we don't visit enough (I think of you all and send love every day)." "Dear Neighbors, I'm sorry our yard looks awful (let's blame the dogs)." "Dear Niece, I'm sorry I haven't put this gift in the mail that's been sitting here for two months."
But there has to be a different word than 'sorry'. Because, am I really sorry? Saying you're sorry means that you know it effected someone negatively, and you'll work hard to do it differently next time. But I won't do it differently next time. I will always leave my office in 5 seconds flat when my daughter needs to go to the hospital. I will always take her to the doctor when her body is covered in hives. I will always miss half a day of work each week when she needs ongoing feeding therapy. I will always stay home and take care of myself after having surgery and painful procedures (in fact, looking back, I should have given myself more time to heal physically and emotionally). When I have 30 minutes an evening with my daughter, I will always spend it with her rather than catching up on paperwork or paying bills. When I have a chance to finally go to bed early, I will take it. And I will take the consequences of these choices, including some judgement.
So what I mean is, dear world, I understand that sometimes my stuff overflows in to your stuff. I understand that it sucks sometimes. I will do my best to make it up to you, someday. I am thankful for your patience. And please, be gentle with me, I'm doing the best I can.
We all are.
(Edited to add: Our story is no different than yours, or your neighbor's. Take out a detail, a struggle, and add yours in. We're all just trying to keep afloat. Remember this when judging yourself or others.)
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let the light in."