Yesterday was Mother's Day. A good day to reflect on my path to becoming a mom.
I've always known I was meant to be a mom. And when I say always, I mean always. I have vivid memories of the recurring dreams I had at age six. The main dream went like this: My mother woke me up and told me someone was at the door for me. I can clearly see my bedroom, my toys, and running down the stairs to the living room. I opened the front door and found a line of women out to the street, all holding babies. All these women were dropping their babies off for me! I was ecstatic, put my hands over my face and shouted, "All for me?!" The dream ends there, but I wished all the time that it would really happen. I know, it's weird. Clearly in my six year old brain I had no concept of how strange and horrifying it is for women to just leave their babies. In my mind it was the greatest thing in the world. When we moved out of Colorado at age seven I had dreams that we would move in to a new house, I would run up to my new empty room, and find a baby in a bassinet just waiting for me. I was so disappointed when my new room did not come complete with a baby. What a rip off of a house.
At 27 I sat my parents down at dinner and told them that if I did not have a baby by age 32, or at least in a relationship that would lead to children, that I would get pregnant on my own and raise a child myself. I was completely determined to do this and had already studied up on it. My parents were supportive (just like with everything else in my life!), and asked me why it was so important to me, knowing that having a child on my own may decrease my chances of finding a partner after that. I replied, "I'm not 100% sure I'm meant to be a wife, but I know I'm meant to be a mom." It was a peaceful feeling knowing that being a mom would happen, no matter what else happened. But thankfully, at 29, I met my now husband, fell in love quickly, and got married at 30. And the fact still remains; I am not destined to be a wife, I do not need to be married. But I choose to be, because spending every day with him is fun and awesome and makes me ridiculously happy, and I want to do that for the rest of my life. And really, isn't it better to not need someone, but choose to be with them? So anyway, married at 30 and well on my way to being a mom. Since I knew I'd have a baby by age 32 by myself, probably with a lot of work, surely being married would make that a little easier. And it did! Yay! But then... heartbreak. Watching the look on the ultrasound technicians face felt like it literally shattered my little heart. I was broken. After a while, hope returned. Until the next miscarriage. I got a phone call from the nurse while I was at work, confirming the miscarriage. Immediately after hanging up I had to meet with a client, and for some reason, out of the blue, the little girl asked me, "Do you have kids?" I shook my head 'no' fighting back tears. "Why not? You should have a daughter. I don't know why you don't have a daughter." I don't know why, either. I'm supposed to be a mom. I began to think maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom after all. How could I have gotten it so wrong?
Approximately a million negative pregnancy tests later; a positive! And roughly a million months after that (give or take a day); a baby! A beautiful baby girl with the strength of an oak tree inside of her, landing her the nickname Acorn. Yep, I was 32 years old, right on "schedule". I had dreamed of that day for 26 years. From my six year old dreams of babies being dropped off on my door step, right up until 10:23am on July 30th 2014, I still had no idea of the immense joy that it would bring. I had no idea that my heart could hold more love than I ever knew existed in the whole world. And I had another realization; my mom loves me this much? I mean I always knew she loved me, but dang, thanks mom!
And nine and a half months later, here we are. In between those months can be filled in by my previous however many posts. The update is that we found a new pediatrician and had our first visit last week. We were impressed with her and love that she knows about FPIES, and even has a few other patients with it. She has no concerns about Acorn's weight, even though she's not eating any solid foods. She confirmed that she needs to continue to nurse at least 4 times a night in order to keep up her calories. Though this is not my favorite thing, I know that it's what she needs and was pleased that the doctor didn't think I was just giving in to her cries, she really is hungry. I told her that I feel like I'm going to be breastfeeding forever, and she replied, only sort of joking, "Yep, you might be!" She also referred us to feeding therapy, since Acorn has developed an oral aversion to food and has exhausted the only three things that are on her feeding plan before turning 1. She needs to be eating food by the time she's 1, so we're also going back to her allergist in June to come up with another plan of what food she can trial.
When I dreamed of having a baby, these things were not a part of those dreams. But every time i look in her eyes, it's confirmed; I was meant to be her mom.
**I almost forgot, the FPIES Foundation made a touching piece to show what it's like to have a child with FPIES. Our little Acorn is pictured in it. It broke my heart to see all the pictures of babies/toddlers hooked up to IVs and machines, the same way she was just a few months ago. Check it out
I've always known I was meant to be a mom. And when I say always, I mean always. I have vivid memories of the recurring dreams I had at age six. The main dream went like this: My mother woke me up and told me someone was at the door for me. I can clearly see my bedroom, my toys, and running down the stairs to the living room. I opened the front door and found a line of women out to the street, all holding babies. All these women were dropping their babies off for me! I was ecstatic, put my hands over my face and shouted, "All for me?!" The dream ends there, but I wished all the time that it would really happen. I know, it's weird. Clearly in my six year old brain I had no concept of how strange and horrifying it is for women to just leave their babies. In my mind it was the greatest thing in the world. When we moved out of Colorado at age seven I had dreams that we would move in to a new house, I would run up to my new empty room, and find a baby in a bassinet just waiting for me. I was so disappointed when my new room did not come complete with a baby. What a rip off of a house.
At 27 I sat my parents down at dinner and told them that if I did not have a baby by age 32, or at least in a relationship that would lead to children, that I would get pregnant on my own and raise a child myself. I was completely determined to do this and had already studied up on it. My parents were supportive (just like with everything else in my life!), and asked me why it was so important to me, knowing that having a child on my own may decrease my chances of finding a partner after that. I replied, "I'm not 100% sure I'm meant to be a wife, but I know I'm meant to be a mom." It was a peaceful feeling knowing that being a mom would happen, no matter what else happened. But thankfully, at 29, I met my now husband, fell in love quickly, and got married at 30. And the fact still remains; I am not destined to be a wife, I do not need to be married. But I choose to be, because spending every day with him is fun and awesome and makes me ridiculously happy, and I want to do that for the rest of my life. And really, isn't it better to not need someone, but choose to be with them? So anyway, married at 30 and well on my way to being a mom. Since I knew I'd have a baby by age 32 by myself, probably with a lot of work, surely being married would make that a little easier. And it did! Yay! But then... heartbreak. Watching the look on the ultrasound technicians face felt like it literally shattered my little heart. I was broken. After a while, hope returned. Until the next miscarriage. I got a phone call from the nurse while I was at work, confirming the miscarriage. Immediately after hanging up I had to meet with a client, and for some reason, out of the blue, the little girl asked me, "Do you have kids?" I shook my head 'no' fighting back tears. "Why not? You should have a daughter. I don't know why you don't have a daughter." I don't know why, either. I'm supposed to be a mom. I began to think maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom after all. How could I have gotten it so wrong?
Approximately a million negative pregnancy tests later; a positive! And roughly a million months after that (give or take a day); a baby! A beautiful baby girl with the strength of an oak tree inside of her, landing her the nickname Acorn. Yep, I was 32 years old, right on "schedule". I had dreamed of that day for 26 years. From my six year old dreams of babies being dropped off on my door step, right up until 10:23am on July 30th 2014, I still had no idea of the immense joy that it would bring. I had no idea that my heart could hold more love than I ever knew existed in the whole world. And I had another realization; my mom loves me this much? I mean I always knew she loved me, but dang, thanks mom!
And nine and a half months later, here we are. In between those months can be filled in by my previous however many posts. The update is that we found a new pediatrician and had our first visit last week. We were impressed with her and love that she knows about FPIES, and even has a few other patients with it. She has no concerns about Acorn's weight, even though she's not eating any solid foods. She confirmed that she needs to continue to nurse at least 4 times a night in order to keep up her calories. Though this is not my favorite thing, I know that it's what she needs and was pleased that the doctor didn't think I was just giving in to her cries, she really is hungry. I told her that I feel like I'm going to be breastfeeding forever, and she replied, only sort of joking, "Yep, you might be!" She also referred us to feeding therapy, since Acorn has developed an oral aversion to food and has exhausted the only three things that are on her feeding plan before turning 1. She needs to be eating food by the time she's 1, so we're also going back to her allergist in June to come up with another plan of what food she can trial.
When I dreamed of having a baby, these things were not a part of those dreams. But every time i look in her eyes, it's confirmed; I was meant to be her mom.
**I almost forgot, the FPIES Foundation made a touching piece to show what it's like to have a child with FPIES. Our little Acorn is pictured in it. It broke my heart to see all the pictures of babies/toddlers hooked up to IVs and machines, the same way she was just a few months ago. Check it out